As I have so often mentioned, I do indeed suffer from anorexia nervosa. I have for about the past three almost four years. During this time, I have made small attempts at recovering that have only landed up in relapsing. And I have to admit – I’m nervous about recovery. I abhor the idea of gaining weight in one instance. But on the other hand, I know in my rational mind that I have to gain some weight to be able to recover and repair. And part of this is going to be introducing more food into my diet and increasing my meager calorie intake. Which I am very much anxious about doing. There is not much more in this world I love more than cooking and baking – just not for me. For other people. The idea of making food for myself freaks me out to no end. But it has to be done. And so. I have decided to create a bucket list of things I want to achieve on my way to being able to recover. This will be a continuously updated list, and will note achievements and how they made me feel. So here’s a start:
1) Actually eat a slice of my own homemade bread.
2) Eat a chocolate chip cookie, fresh out of the oven.
3) Pair my curried vegetables with some rice or some sort of flatbread.
4) Eat a slice of pizza.
5) Order a drink from Starbucks – that has calories (not one of the ones with like 500 calories…something rational)
6) Have a bagel with vegan cream cheese.
7) Eat at a holiday meal. Eat something not pre-prepared for just myself at a holiday.
8) Make my birthday cake and eat it too.
9) Have a Christmas cookie.
10) Enjoy a peanut butter sandwich.
11) Enjoy a grilled cheese sandwich.
12) Be able to go out to dinner (Indian would be nice…)
13) Sit down to a meal with my family.
14) Seek out a vegan friendly restaurant and have lunch/dinner.
15) Have a small bowl of vegan ice cream.
16) Make a “green monster.” Slurp up for breakfast.
17) Make the infamous “overnight oats”
18) Indulge in a peanut butter-banana smoothie
19) Eat something that someone else has cooked.
20) Get something vegan off of the Wegman’s buffet (much like WF, for those of you who don’t know about Wegman’s)
21) Eat some vegan mac and cheese: “boxed” and homemade.
22) Have a cupcake.
23) Have a brownie.
24) Eat a small serving of “muddy buddies” Like the old days.
25) Have pancakes for breakfast. Or dinner.
25-03-2012 Update: As of this very moment in time, I am currently intaking 1200 calories a day, and am working on increasing perhaps a little bit more in the near-ish future. I’m trying to make meals more regular (ie not so far apart, time wise) and and am trying to eat more in the morning. But all in all, I’m feeling much much stronger than I have in years. I’m not exhausted as I once was, and I no longer feel weak. I’m building muscle. I haven’t the slightest clue what I weigh, and I don’t want to know. The number would only send me into a tailspin. All I do know is that even if I do weigh more, I’m certainly not fat.
Since I’m feeling good physically, I’d like to also make a fitness bucket list, just for the fun of it, so see what is possible!:
Buy a gym membershipStart bodypump- Go to a Zumba class, just to try it out
- Go to a vinyasa yoga class, regularly
- Learn to do an inversion
- Learn to do the crow/crane pose
- Learn to run
- Participate in a 5k
This is such a good idea! I wish you all the strength to accomplish each of these tasks and then some:)
Thank you so much! I will need all of the strength and willpower that I can muster to do these tasks…but I’m trying!
Great goals, told you we had things in common
I know! It is uncanny how many things we have in common
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I love that you posted these ideas, and that you’re aiming for a healthier approach to eating. And such great goals, too. I hope you achieve them all and regain enough weight to feel healthy (and be comfortable with it). And pancakes for breakfast–or any time–there’s almost nothing quite as good!
I have had such an unhealthy relationship with food for such a long time now. Three + years with AN almost feels like an eternity…like there has never been or never will be another way. But alas…I am attempting to normalize (or at least stabilize) my relationship with food. I am still just petrified of the idea of weight gain
even though in the rational part of my mind I know I probably should put on weight.
And those pancakes must be eaten at some point in time! Chocolate chip pancakes, at one point in time, were the only things i would eat for dinner. I was such a picky child…
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Try Ricki’s Carob Buckwheat Pancakes http://www.dietdessertndogs.com/2011/11/22/carob-buckwheat-pancakes-with-almonds-and-carob-chips-sugar-free-dairy-free-egg-free-gluten-free-grain-free-xanthan-free/ . They are mega-healthy, light, fluffy, and you don’t have to pile on any toppings at all. They are THAT good. Keep it up, you are doing great!
I’ve actually been meaning to try these…I just need to buy some coconut flour! Or would finely processed defatted coconut work? Because I have some of that…or would another flour work in its place?
Congratulations on your braveness <3 I've been and still am in exactly the same boat. I can totally sympathise with the desire to be healthy struggling against the aversion to weight gain (it's like my brain wants to literally "have my cake and eat it too" in terms of food and weight). Eating food prepared by others is a big kicker for me too, as is going to social events where I know there will be a lot of food. Making a list is a great way to help you focus on things that might be scary, but are things you'd like to do
Thanks for being an inspiration, and keep going in your path to self acceptance
I'm rooting for you <3
Thank you so much
As you know, it is a day to day struggle – and it continues to be. I still can’t quite get myself to eat food prepared by someone other than myself. It’s not like you want to seem offensive by not eating their food…but the lack of control of what goes into the food is just too much. Still. I really think that is a major thing for many people struggling with eating disorders.
I actually aught to look at my list to see if it needs any updating! I honestly haven’t checked it in a while…whoops! Thank you for reading, and I hope that I can help in any way! We’re all in the same boat, here